Dreams of a Jealous Nature

LONG POST ALERT!!!

     So for those of you that know me, you know that I LOVE LOVE LOVE kids.  Babies, little kids, big kids... just little people in general.   But then there are those of you that truly know me and know my details... the hard facts... the things that make me tick.... and sometimes when I really have time to think on it, make me cry, sometimes a sad cry, but sometimes a frustrated - when's my turn - cry.  

     So, when I was little, I had dreams of being a mommy.  But unlike most girls, my dreams weren't of a baby belly, swollen ankles, and a belly button stretcher to take the baby out of my tummy.  They were dreams of adoption.  WHAT LITTLE GIRL DREAMS OF ADOPTION!?  Well, this one.  As time went on, I kind of forgot about that and just lived life... being afraid of cooties and just wanting to hang out with my friends.  Then my freshman year of high school, I went with my gramma to Romania/Hungary for a mission trip.  This was a Christian mission trip and while I went because I thought it would be awesome to go over seas... it opened my eyes and my heart and brought back my adoption theory.  I worked long hot days in areas that didn't seem like they could be real had I not seen it with my own eyes.  I saw families try and give us the shirts off their back, cook up a meal using that last vegetables and ducks they had, and a man give up his only possession of a cane so a lady in our group wouldn't have to limp.  EYE OPENING! 

(This is how they get around and make small livings.)



     We have it so good over here.  But back to my story, so while over there, we had asked to visit an orphanage.  But we got denied.  The places are so bad, the living conditions so horrid, that we weren't allowed to visit and help.  Hearing this sparked that dream again of adoption.  I wanted to take all those kids out of that place and give them love.  Everyone deserves love.  EVERYONE... even the people who we think are unlovable or out of our realm to love. 

(That little building next to the river on the right...

that's a 4 star hotel I stayed in while in Resita, Romania)
**It's the equivalent of a 1 star hotel here

     Travel forward and back to today, I have been married and divorced twice... nothing to be ashamed of.  It's made me who I am... It also helps to describe my "dreams of a jealous nature".  With my first husband, I was fresh out of high school and married my high school sweetheart in 2003.  That lasted 11 months before it's end.  (Details spared)  Then years later, in 2007,  I re-married.  I thought this guy was gonna be it.  It didn't turn out that way and we divorced days after our 4 year anniversary.  (again, details spared)  Only once out of those two marriages, did I think I wanted to have a baby myself.... but it was to save a marriage because I thought that if I could make a baby, that I'd feel better... that maybe someone in the family could love me like I wanted my husband to.  We did get pregnant once... only to get 12 weeks in and miscarry.  For anyone who has miscarried, my heart goes out to you.  It's probably one of the hardest times in life.  I felt like a complete failure.  Like why wasn't I good enough.  And then I turned to prayer.  Which showed me that at least I could get pregnant so not to worry... but that it wasn't a good time.  I wasn't meant to have a baby with him.  (Hindsight 20/20, this was a blessing.)

     So now, I have Boedy and he has two kids, who I adore, and it makes me want a baby... not an adopted baby but one out of love.   Bronx keeps talking about how I have a baby in my tummy (which I think he might get confused with the one his mom is carrying) but its sweet.  So Boedy and I played along with this.  We asked them if they wanted a brother or a sister.  Brooke wants a sister... and Bronx wanted a brother until he realized he has 2 half brothers... and then switched to a sister.  haha! 

     Okay, the jealous part, I have so many people around me that I love who are pregnant or just had babies... and I'm so excited and I love that they are having them, but a small part of me, is just that... JEALOUS!  I don't mean in a hateful way, like, "geez, some girls have all the luck."  I mean in a "I want to give that to Boedy" way.  A selfless jealousy?  Who knows.  But at the same time, I'm scared.  TERRIFIED to be honest.  I mean, I take on a step-mom role with the kids now (since, in case you missed it, Boedy is the last man I plan to kiss for the rest of my life).  But I want to have that piece of me and a piece of him and see what happens.  He loves kids, he's patient and loving.  He's one of the best dads I've ever seen in my life.  But I'm deathly terrified of being a mom from start to finish.  What if I screw up... or am too hard on them and they grow up to hate me, or... and the questions just flow like that until I wear myself out and break down and cry and pray that I won't ever get pregnant.   THAT SCARED.   And then I look at Boedy and know that part of him had those fears... and I look at my mom... and other people and know that I'm not alone and that if other people trust me with and around their kids, I must be able to do something right.  I mean, I have two god-children... so obviously John and Maddi think I could be a parent... and a good one because I think they are great parents.  So again, I'm so excited for all my friends but just know that it doesn't help my baby fever and the closer I get to 30 the more jealous I get.  I will probably wanna touch your bellies and I will probably cry when you can't see me.  I know that if I am meant to be a birth mommy - it will happen.  God doesn't give you dreams and alter old dreams to new ones if He doesn't plan to deliver!  So here goes... God it's all in your hands.  Give me the strength to know that I can do it and that You are trusting me to raise a child for your glory.  AMEN!

That might be enough from me today.

Food for thought - What's your biggest fear that turned into a blessing and who needs to hear that story so they know they aren't alone?

{lou}

It's time... for another update!

Okay, okay.  I know that it's been like two months since I posted anything... I'm sorry!  That is wholly my fault.  But in the meantime, I got a new nephew, started working out, having my awesome "Weekly Wednesdays" with the new family, etc, etc.  It's been one wild ride but I can't possibly imagine life being any better.  Honestly... I've never imagined my life so wonderful.  Amazing blood family that's always been there for me and loved me... even if sometimes I wasn't on the path they would have liked... they loved me through it and helped me get back to where I need to be.  Friends that are as loyal as they come... they would have my back even if I was completely wrong... they wouldn't let me stand there alone and look like an a$$... they'd join me.  A boyfriend that continually blows my mind by not only the love he shows me, but the time he invests in me.  It's amazing.  He calls me on my stuff and it's awesome... and my new-ish family... they aren't officially last name tied to me yet, but one day... and we are family just because of the love we have.  It's always so incredible to be wrapped in love, loyalty and trust like no other when you meet new people. 

Let's talk about part of this new-ish family... I'll get into all the members, but we gotta start somewhere, and besides, I don't want everyone to get confused so we'll go one member at a time! haha!

ENTER MIKE AND CONSTANCE PERRIN

Stats:  Mike - Boedy's older brother

          Constance - Married to Mike

          Haven - 6 yr old daughter

          Grayson - 2 yr old son

          Elleanor - bun in the oven (can't wait to meet your smiling face!)

Mike and Constance are such amazing people.  They have two and a quarter kids.  Mike works outside the home, Constance is always working at home being a mommy, baseball for Mike, softball for Haven (where mommy and daddy coach), home-based businesses... they are always going... but still make time for the things that matter; each other, their kids, and their family outside their home.  Every week, we have what we like to call "Weekly Wednesday" (WW).  It's become one of my favorite days of the week.  We get together for dinner and then either let the kids play outside or do something as a group... and finding something for 8 people to enjoy is a challenge but we always seem to handle it with such grace.  I cherish this time with them.  I love that Boedy's family is so close knit.  Mike and Constance are like my real brother and sister... it's awesome... we pick on each other and laugh and joke... since my sister lives in Oklahoma and my brother in Alaska, it's nice to have them close and able to see them weekly.  

You know those people that you instantly click with... well that was Constance for me... it was like I found a missing piece of me in her.  We have so much in common but also just enough difference that it stretches us to learn or get interested in other things.  It's great.  We both have a passion for high heels and what's not to love about a girl who also has a shoe fetish!?  haha!  It's just so funny to us that we didn't know each other sooner... she graduated two years after my sister Jamie and knows all the same people I know... I guess it's just a sign that God wasn't ready for us to meet yet.  She's crafty... I mean, SUPER crafty... she's so creative... if I could steal just an ounce of the stuff she's made or decorated... I'd be a stinkin' superhero at my own house.  I don't know how she does it all... being a mommy full time is hard enough, but making things for the new baby, cleaning house, decorating, organizing, selling pampered chef, coaching softball... I'm already tired and that's not even half of the stuff she does on the reg.

Back to Weekly Wednesdays...So the other night, we were trying to come up with something fun to do for after dinner, and Constance has gotten into Geo Caching... if you haven't looked into it, you need to.  It's so fun.  It's like a scavenger hunt using your GPS.  We went and found two geo cache spots and had a complete blast trying to figure out what the "treasure" was.  The kids had a blast too.  I think this might be our new hobby.  I might even have to buy the app on my phone.. and yes all you haters, Blackberry's have apps too... haha!  (that's for you babe)

Anyway, I just wanted to take a few minutes and break up your day and let you know that no matter what's going on, once you remove the crap and bad stuff out of your life and leave room for the good stuff, it comes.  It does happen.  If I hadn't gotten rid of the baggage in my life holding me back, I wouldn't have re-met Boedy, fallen in love with him, his kids and his family.  Who knows what my life would be like without them.  I can honestly say that this is the family that I was meant to marry into for the rest of my life.  I can't see my life without them!!

So, here's something to make you think today...
What will you make time for?

{lou}