So for those of you that know me, you know that I LOVE LOVE LOVE kids. Babies, little kids, big kids... just little people in general. But then there are those of you that truly know me and know my details... the hard facts... the things that make me tick.... and sometimes when I really have time to think on it, make me cry, sometimes a sad cry, but sometimes a frustrated - when's my turn - cry.
So, when I was little, I had dreams of being a mommy. But unlike most girls, my dreams weren't of a baby belly, swollen ankles, and a belly button stretcher to take the baby out of my tummy. They were dreams of adoption. WHAT LITTLE GIRL DREAMS OF ADOPTION!? Well, this one. As time went on, I kind of forgot about that and just lived life... being afraid of cooties and just wanting to hang out with my friends. Then my freshman year of high school, I went with my gramma to Romania/Hungary for a mission trip. This was a Christian mission trip and while I went because I thought it would be awesome to go over seas... it opened my eyes and my heart and brought back my adoption theory. I worked long hot days in areas that didn't seem like they could be real had I not seen it with my own eyes. I saw families try and give us the shirts off their back, cook up a meal using that last vegetables and ducks they had, and a man give up his only possession of a cane so a lady in our group wouldn't have to limp. EYE OPENING!
(This is how they get around and make small livings.)
We have it so good over here. But back to my story, so while over there, we had asked to visit an orphanage. But we got denied. The places are so bad, the living conditions so horrid, that we weren't allowed to visit and help. Hearing this sparked that dream again of adoption. I wanted to take all those kids out of that place and give them love. Everyone deserves love. EVERYONE... even the people who we think are unlovable or out of our realm to love. 
(That little building next to the river on the right...
that's a 4 star hotel I stayed in while in Resita, Romania)
**It's the equivalent of a 1 star hotel here
**It's the equivalent of a 1 star hotel here
Travel forward and back to today, I have been married and divorced twice... nothing to be ashamed of. It's made me who I am... It also helps to describe my "dreams of a jealous nature". With my first husband, I was fresh out of high school and married my high school sweetheart in 2003. That lasted 11 months before it's end. (Details spared) Then years later, in 2007, I re-married. I thought this guy was gonna be it. It didn't turn out that way and we divorced days after our 4 year anniversary. (again, details spared) Only once out of those two marriages, did I think I wanted to have a baby myself.... but it was to save a marriage because I thought that if I could make a baby, that I'd feel better... that maybe someone in the family could love me like I wanted my husband to. We did get pregnant once... only to get 12 weeks in and miscarry. For anyone who has miscarried, my heart goes out to you. It's probably one of the hardest times in life. I felt like a complete failure. Like why wasn't I good enough. And then I turned to prayer. Which showed me that at least I could get pregnant so not to worry... but that it wasn't a good time. I wasn't meant to have a baby with him. (Hindsight 20/20, this was a blessing.)
So now, I have Boedy and he has two kids, who I adore, and it makes me want a baby... not an adopted baby but one out of love. Bronx keeps talking about how I have a baby in my tummy (which I think he might get confused with the one his mom is carrying) but its sweet. So Boedy and I played along with this. We asked them if they wanted a brother or a sister. Brooke wants a sister... and Bronx wanted a brother until he realized he has 2 half brothers... and then switched to a sister. haha!
Okay, the jealous part, I have so many people around me that I love who are pregnant or just had babies... and I'm so excited and I love that they are having them, but a small part of me, is just that... JEALOUS! I don't mean in a hateful way, like, "geez, some girls have all the luck." I mean in a "I want to give that to Boedy" way. A selfless jealousy? Who knows. But at the same time, I'm scared. TERRIFIED to be honest. I mean, I take on a step-mom role with the kids now (since, in case you missed it, Boedy is the last man I plan to kiss for the rest of my life). But I want to have that piece of me and a piece of him and see what happens. He loves kids, he's patient and loving. He's one of the best dads I've ever seen in my life. But I'm deathly terrified of being a mom from start to finish. What if I screw up... or am too hard on them and they grow up to hate me, or... and the questions just flow like that until I wear myself out and break down and cry and pray that I won't ever get pregnant. THAT SCARED. And then I look at Boedy and know that part of him had those fears... and I look at my mom... and other people and know that I'm not alone and that if other people trust me with and around their kids, I must be able to do something right. I mean, I have two god-children... so obviously John and Maddi think I could be a parent... and a good one because I think they are great parents. So again, I'm so excited for all my friends but just know that it doesn't help my baby fever and the closer I get to 30 the more jealous I get. I will probably wanna touch your bellies and I will probably cry when you can't see me. I know that if I am meant to be a birth mommy - it will happen. God doesn't give you dreams and alter old dreams to new ones if He doesn't plan to deliver! So here goes... God it's all in your hands. Give me the strength to know that I can do it and that You are trusting me to raise a child for your glory. AMEN!
That might be enough from me today.
Food for thought - What's your biggest fear that turned into a blessing and who needs to hear that story so they know they aren't alone?
{lou}
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