It's been 17 years since I started 6th grade and didn't have any friends. August 15th, 1996, I started a brand new school with not a single friend from elementary school... and there was a group of guys and girls sitting around. I was too shy to go over to. But you made sure that I was befriended. I was almost 12 years old and you were one of my very best friends.
It has been around 15 years since you convinced me that it was a good idea to walk 3 miles to go to the lake and go fishing with you... and I got scared to walk so I had my grandpa drive me. It's been that long since you drove that four wheeler with our other friend on it and wrecked it into a ditch. I can still remember you teaching my little brother all those things that no 7 year old should know. He still remembers all the stuff you taught him... guess that's why mom never had to have the "birds and bees" talk with him. haha!
It's been about 13 years since you were cracking jokes at me but would fight to the death against anyone who would say anything bad about me. We'd hang out in the hall way and pass notes not only to each other to make it through the day but to all our friends... Your notes were always about three sentences long... which for you, was a novel.
It's been 9 years since all your "trust me guys, this is gonna be my best idea ever" statement always turned what was actually terrible ideas into some of the best memories I have. You helped turn rainy stormy nights into 5 girls "grass" wrestling; lawn chairs in the garage into lawn chairs in the bed of a pick up driving down dirt roads because we couldn't get in trouble with anyone but county mounties once we were not on paved streets; setting the microwave timer to move our cars up 1 inch on the street so the cops wouldn't come by and mark the tires for being in the street too long; the all guys canoe trip that turned into trying to auction off myself and my best girlfriend for the most beers on the river; and hurry get in the truck before her mom rips your face off was said to me while helping our friend move out of her mom's house, among the other ideas that could have gone horribly awry.
It's been 2 years, since I saw you and we weren't able to catch up. It's been 2 months since I heard the last voicemail I'd ever get from you.
Your life mattered to so many people. Without you, there's so many years of my life that wouldn't have been some of the best memories I've ever had. So, it's been one month and five days since I got off a plane in Philadelphia and got news that you weren't here anymore. It's been one month and five days since I was standing in that airport breathless because you were gone. It's been one month and five days since I've been able to drive my normal way home. It's been one month and five days since I've been able to go about life "normally". It's been 5 days since I stopped being mad about it all. I pray that you are in heaven waiting for the rest of us... and I promise you, you will get slugged in the arm when I see you next.
Monday, July 22, 2013
Monday, April 22, 2013
Some truths about skinny girls....
Laura Perrin in your.....uh..... EYES(?)! Trying to debunk some myths about some skinny girls...
The only reason I'm wrecking your Monday with this is because, when I went to my "fat-shake-a-lator" machine... we walked in and I heard someone say, "seriously, why's SHE here..." (FYI - LOST 7 INCHES ON THIS MACHINE) Now, for those of you who have eaten with me... you know, I can put away some food. I seriously eat like 4,000 times a day and it's not all green bean and ice... YES GREEN BEAN (Singular)! I will eat some bagels, cream cheese, fruit snacks... oh honey, you don't wanna know what this girl eats in a day... I probably consume about 3,000 calories a day.
SO NO, I'm not anorexic, bulimic, a head case, too into myself.... etc.
Skinny Girls hate things about themselves too...
Things I hate about being my size:
1. EVERY jean manufacturer thinks that if you are a 0 - 4 - that you are 5'11".
2. Cleavage... Yeah, I've heard a rumor that it does exist in nature naturally... but not when your girls are hiding... hahaha!
3. Snickers when you walk into a room showing off an outfit that took 45 minutes for you to feel comfortable enough to leave the bathroom in.
4. I actually think most skinny girls are not that attractive... I think curves are awesome... I'll let you know when I find some other than the winding roads of Arkansas.
5. That all the shirts are made for girls that are about 13 years old with glitter and butterflies and peace signs.
6. I HATE my thighs... You see twig thighs and bird legs... I see two armadillos fighting over some food...
7. I swear that there is a 900lb woman deep inside me, screaming to get out and the only way to quiet her is to feed her... LOTS!
8. I hate being called TINY. HATE IT!
9. People asking if you are hungry... Seriously, like I don't have the ability to feed myself. COME ON!
10. I can give clothes that are "too" small for me to our 8 yr old daughter.
11. "Why do you work out?" That's like asking me why I breathe... I need exercise... just like everyone else on the planet... being thin does not excuse you from needing to build muscles, strengthen your core, etc.
12. Why do I only look good in the poorly lit bathroom mirror that hangs to the side? But the second I'm out in public and see a mirror, I literally run from it because when I look in it, I say, "holy smokes... you left looking like this?"
13. YES, SKINNY GIRLS CAN HAVE CELLULITE! I have some... I'll show you sometime.
14. Yes, in certain jeans, this lady has a muffin top.
15. I hate my stomach. It's worse than those thighs I mentioned earlier.
16. I don't understand the misconception that thin girls (genetically thin) are rude, stuck up, fake, etc.
I'm sure I'll add to this list later, but for now, those are my biggest issues with people and their thoughts about girls my size... Yes, thin girls have self esteem issues... TRUST ME!
Please though, enjoy how beautiful you are... no matter what size... You were created for a reason... don't listen to the negative, whether it comes from yourself or someone else... You are exactly how you are supposed to be. You fit into the world, how you were made to... God doesn't make mistakes.
{lou}
The only reason I'm wrecking your Monday with this is because, when I went to my "fat-shake-a-lator" machine... we walked in and I heard someone say, "seriously, why's SHE here..." (FYI - LOST 7 INCHES ON THIS MACHINE) Now, for those of you who have eaten with me... you know, I can put away some food. I seriously eat like 4,000 times a day and it's not all green bean and ice... YES GREEN BEAN (Singular)! I will eat some bagels, cream cheese, fruit snacks... oh honey, you don't wanna know what this girl eats in a day... I probably consume about 3,000 calories a day.
SO NO, I'm not anorexic, bulimic, a head case, too into myself.... etc.
Skinny Girls hate things about themselves too...
Things I hate about being my size:
1. EVERY jean manufacturer thinks that if you are a 0 - 4 - that you are 5'11".
2. Cleavage... Yeah, I've heard a rumor that it does exist in nature naturally... but not when your girls are hiding... hahaha!
3. Snickers when you walk into a room showing off an outfit that took 45 minutes for you to feel comfortable enough to leave the bathroom in.
4. I actually think most skinny girls are not that attractive... I think curves are awesome... I'll let you know when I find some other than the winding roads of Arkansas.
5. That all the shirts are made for girls that are about 13 years old with glitter and butterflies and peace signs.
6. I HATE my thighs... You see twig thighs and bird legs... I see two armadillos fighting over some food...
7. I swear that there is a 900lb woman deep inside me, screaming to get out and the only way to quiet her is to feed her... LOTS!
8. I hate being called TINY. HATE IT!
9. People asking if you are hungry... Seriously, like I don't have the ability to feed myself. COME ON!
10. I can give clothes that are "too" small for me to our 8 yr old daughter.
11. "Why do you work out?" That's like asking me why I breathe... I need exercise... just like everyone else on the planet... being thin does not excuse you from needing to build muscles, strengthen your core, etc.
12. Why do I only look good in the poorly lit bathroom mirror that hangs to the side? But the second I'm out in public and see a mirror, I literally run from it because when I look in it, I say, "holy smokes... you left looking like this?"
13. YES, SKINNY GIRLS CAN HAVE CELLULITE! I have some... I'll show you sometime.
14. Yes, in certain jeans, this lady has a muffin top.
15. I hate my stomach. It's worse than those thighs I mentioned earlier.
16. I don't understand the misconception that thin girls (genetically thin) are rude, stuck up, fake, etc.
I'm sure I'll add to this list later, but for now, those are my biggest issues with people and their thoughts about girls my size... Yes, thin girls have self esteem issues... TRUST ME!
Please though, enjoy how beautiful you are... no matter what size... You were created for a reason... don't listen to the negative, whether it comes from yourself or someone else... You are exactly how you are supposed to be. You fit into the world, how you were made to... God doesn't make mistakes.
{lou}
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
Be VERY careful what you pray for...
So, not everyone knows that on December 31st, 2012, I got married to a super awesome man. He's my best friend and completer... I also married into two awesome kids. A little girl and a little boy. I had the most perfect wedding with awesome people with us on the beach... We wrote our vows (some of us more planned than others... ::COUGH COUGH:: HUSBAND!) But they were perfect. It was all so perfect! I mean, look at these pictures... PERFECT!
Have you ever seen love like this! I can't even fake that smile!!
And to have one of my longest term besties with me... GETOUTTAHERE!
This is my life now. These three beautiful humans!
Pretty awesome if you ask me... and since this is MY blog... you did! :) But all that to say, I pray... A lot. I mean, if God's ears could be bent off, I would have one in my hand... like a lucky rabbit's foot key chain. So my prayers have changed though. They went from things about me, my immediate family, friends, simple things, to things that will help me raise these beautiful babies! I've never been a mommy... and NO ONE EVER tells you that, it's the hardest thing and that you don't just fall into it and have the patience of a saint. That's not in the instruction manual. I mean, sure, they tell you being a mommy is the hardest job you'll ever love... but they don't say, you will want to rip your hair out sometimes. Those sweet baby angels you saw at their best at all times, won't always have those good days. So, again, I say, I pray. In the car, in the shower, getting out of bed... it doesn't really matter. So, I have this BRILLIANT idea... I'm finding myself with less patience than Boedy, so I'm gonna ask God for patience. HA! God just had to love that request. I mean it has to be something funny for him to watch. You know, when you pray, you have to be specific... If you ask for money, and you get a nickle... that's still God answering your prayer. That's all there is to it. So, I forget this small detail and say, "Lord, you've blessed me with kids that you know I've always wanted... now help me to find the patience." Well, He's helping me "FIND" it. I didn't ask, "Lord, Please Immediately grant me patience of that of a well seasoned parent/Jesus." So He's helping me find it... I get tested at every chance... when I'm tired, cranky, cooking dinner, washing clothes, going to the bathroom... I'm finding it. I never understood how precious those few minutes of being in the shower by yourself really are until I'm asking God for patience and I hear the sweet sounds of my kids outside the door... "Momma Lou, are you in there? When will you be done? Bronx is being mean again." "No, I'm not, Brooke is lying." and so on and so forth. But when I lay my head down at night next to my husband, I simply just find the energy to Thank God for these sweet babies. And When I wake up in the morning, across the bed from my husband but somehow holding his hand when I didn't even know I grabbed it in the middle of the night, I know that I'm not alone. God gave me this perfect match and these perfect tests. I learn so much about faith from my kids... Brooke has more faith than I've seen in a long time. And Bronx is getting there. God builds faith daily, but have we stopped to realize he's working?
So, I'm gonna leave you with this thought, God is always listening... (much like your kids) be careful what you are asking for and saying... And stop and take time to see how hard he's trying to build your faith in him. It's Amazing!!
{lou}
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
Grandpa Goldfish and his forgetful foe... the battle rages.
This is a true story about how love is the strongest force ever... and how it can never be defeated if, in fact, it is true and genuine.
So there are those of you who know the story behind Grandpa Goldfish... this is my mother's daddy... basically the man who helped raise me... who took me to get stitches two of the three times I've gotten them. The man that was my "daddy" too. The one who had a temper like 1,000 sailors but the loving gentle soul like that of a handmade quilt. The one man that I could count on growing up. He would never let me down. The father I never had... The one I could go to for advice or the bitter truth. The man I saw cry only once in my lifetime because his hard life wouldn't allow for him to shed a tear. A man that went to war and fought for our freedoms and had a tank roll over on him. Tough as Nails... but has the biggest heart anyone can imagine.
Okay, you have to understand that my grandfather was born in 1923 and didn't get passed the 3rd grade in school. The great depression hit them hard and he worked to take care of his siblings and his family. He's a hardworking man. I don't know the exact story of how he met my grandmother, but I do know that it was a whirlwind romance. They fell in love so hard. They used to sneak out, he said, and go "neck it" on the corner of two corn fields in South Dakota. My gramma is 9 years younger than him, WHAT A SCANDAL! haha! Anyway, they've been married for around 465 years now, honestly, I think it's approaching 60 years... and love each other more than ever before. They've been through things that would have caused people in this day and age to get divorced. They had two beautiful daughters and now have 5 grandchildren and 6 great grandchildren. My grandfather wakes up every day now and fights to remember where he is. He's in the earlier stages of Alzheimer's... and let me tell you... that's the meanest disease that was ever put on this earth. We started calling him Grandpa Goldfish when he was in the early stages of dementia because, for example, he would get a birthday card, open it, read it, show my gramma, put it back in the envelope, stare around the room for a minute, see he had a birthday card, open it, read it, show it to my gramma... well, you get the picture. He would repeat this until Gramma would take it away because it was a surprise to him every time he would open it... a memory like a .... GOLDFISH! :) Two times ago when my brother went to visit, we realized it was getting worse... his memory was fleeting. He didn't recognize my brother... After my brother left his visit with my grandparents, my grampa looked at gramma and said, "Who was that nice boy that came to visit us?" BROKE. MY. HEART. I went to visit a few weeks ago and he called my Tiny... that's my mom's nickname... that's how much of his current memory he has lost. He thinks my mom is 28 again. He called my mom Mavis - who is her cousin. But I have to keep reminding myself that it's not his memory of us at this point, it's ours of him.
So, all that to get to the most important part of this story... This man, this wonderfully forgetful, fleeting memory staple to our family... Last April, my mom, gramma, grampa and I went to South Dakota (where my family is from) to attend the funeral of my grampa's sister in law. He didn't recognize her by the way. But the sweetest thing I will always keep with me is how much he truly loves my grandmother... On our way back, I was driving the car and he looked at me (like he remembered me) and said "Toaty, do you know what the best part about having grandkids is?" I said, "No, grampa but please tell me so I'll know when I get to have some." He said, "The absolute BEST part about having grandkids is they get to drive their gramma and grampa around so they can hold hands." And he grabbed my gramma's hand and kissed her knuckles. While his memory is fading at a rapid pace, he always knows how much he loves every second with my gramma. Every day he tells her that he can't believe he got the best looking girl in all the world and that she loves him. He tells her that she's more beautiful today than she was when he first laid eyes on her. I truly believe that nothing will ever erase that memory for him of how much he truly loves that woman. And she stays faithfully by his side, health and mind going, unwavering from the man that she couldn't imagine life without.
So I tell you that to prove that NOTHING CAN DEFEAT TRUE LOVE... Not even Alzheimer's.
P.S. It's never too late or too early to tell the ones you care about, exactly how you feel for them... but even better than telling them... SHOW THEM!
I'm going to kiss my honey and cuddle our babies now.
So there are those of you who know the story behind Grandpa Goldfish... this is my mother's daddy... basically the man who helped raise me... who took me to get stitches two of the three times I've gotten them. The man that was my "daddy" too. The one who had a temper like 1,000 sailors but the loving gentle soul like that of a handmade quilt. The one man that I could count on growing up. He would never let me down. The father I never had... The one I could go to for advice or the bitter truth. The man I saw cry only once in my lifetime because his hard life wouldn't allow for him to shed a tear. A man that went to war and fought for our freedoms and had a tank roll over on him. Tough as Nails... but has the biggest heart anyone can imagine.Okay, you have to understand that my grandfather was born in 1923 and didn't get passed the 3rd grade in school. The great depression hit them hard and he worked to take care of his siblings and his family. He's a hardworking man. I don't know the exact story of how he met my grandmother, but I do know that it was a whirlwind romance. They fell in love so hard. They used to sneak out, he said, and go "neck it" on the corner of two corn fields in South Dakota. My gramma is 9 years younger than him, WHAT A SCANDAL! haha! Anyway, they've been married for around 465 years now, honestly, I think it's approaching 60 years... and love each other more than ever before. They've been through things that would have caused people in this day and age to get divorced. They had two beautiful daughters and now have 5 grandchildren and 6 great grandchildren. My grandfather wakes up every day now and fights to remember where he is. He's in the earlier stages of Alzheimer's... and let me tell you... that's the meanest disease that was ever put on this earth. We started calling him Grandpa Goldfish when he was in the early stages of dementia because, for example, he would get a birthday card, open it, read it, show my gramma, put it back in the envelope, stare around the room for a minute, see he had a birthday card, open it, read it, show it to my gramma... well, you get the picture. He would repeat this until Gramma would take it away because it was a surprise to him every time he would open it... a memory like a .... GOLDFISH! :) Two times ago when my brother went to visit, we realized it was getting worse... his memory was fleeting. He didn't recognize my brother... After my brother left his visit with my grandparents, my grampa looked at gramma and said, "Who was that nice boy that came to visit us?" BROKE. MY. HEART. I went to visit a few weeks ago and he called my Tiny... that's my mom's nickname... that's how much of his current memory he has lost. He thinks my mom is 28 again. He called my mom Mavis - who is her cousin. But I have to keep reminding myself that it's not his memory of us at this point, it's ours of him.
So, all that to get to the most important part of this story... This man, this wonderfully forgetful, fleeting memory staple to our family... Last April, my mom, gramma, grampa and I went to South Dakota (where my family is from) to attend the funeral of my grampa's sister in law. He didn't recognize her by the way. But the sweetest thing I will always keep with me is how much he truly loves my grandmother... On our way back, I was driving the car and he looked at me (like he remembered me) and said "Toaty, do you know what the best part about having grandkids is?" I said, "No, grampa but please tell me so I'll know when I get to have some." He said, "The absolute BEST part about having grandkids is they get to drive their gramma and grampa around so they can hold hands." And he grabbed my gramma's hand and kissed her knuckles. While his memory is fading at a rapid pace, he always knows how much he loves every second with my gramma. Every day he tells her that he can't believe he got the best looking girl in all the world and that she loves him. He tells her that she's more beautiful today than she was when he first laid eyes on her. I truly believe that nothing will ever erase that memory for him of how much he truly loves that woman. And she stays faithfully by his side, health and mind going, unwavering from the man that she couldn't imagine life without.
So I tell you that to prove that NOTHING CAN DEFEAT TRUE LOVE... Not even Alzheimer's.
P.S. It's never too late or too early to tell the ones you care about, exactly how you feel for them... but even better than telling them... SHOW THEM!
I'm going to kiss my honey and cuddle our babies now.
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
The day the media got bored and decided to see how many people could fight over nothing...
If
I have to read one more thing about Chick-fil-a… I’m going to lose my
mind. Considering just becoming a hermit for a few days until everyone is over all this Chick-fil-a hurt my feelings business...
I am just sick of everyone
fighting over something that no one can change. Let the Mr Cathy have his strong Christian beliefs. At least when his judgment day comes, he’ll know he stood for
something instead of falling for anything. We should all be so lucky. These days, the general population goes for the politically correct thing instead of what they were taught and believed in. Did anyone ever realize that no one is getting all butt hurt over
Muslims owning a franchise that has the same views. Oh, that’s because
they are Muslim and we can’t discriminate against them. I have gay
friends and gay family members, AND I love them to countless measures and their
lifestyle has no bearing, nor does it change how I feel about them!! The good news is I can still love them
and have my beliefs… It's not up to me to pass judgment so, I think I'll leave that task to the power that does know how to judge to a standard that is far above all my imperfections. Let me ask this: what is not eating a chicken sandwich gonna
prove? Are you gonna hold up your non-Chick-fil-a receipt to all your gay
friends dated August 1, 2012 and say, “lookie here… I’m so
awesome. I didn't eat there on that day when the media made a huge thing
out of nothing because they were having a slow news day. But I ate there
for the years before. And in a few years, when I forget about this, I’ll
probably swing through for a nice cup of sweet tea.” Move on, we all have more important things to worry about than who showed up, who didn't, and who lied about it.
Please, oh please, just enjoy your loved ones; gay, straight, Jewish, black, white, brown, yellow; without wondering who is going to get offended by it. Jesus taught love... so why aren't we all doing more of that and less condemning of others. Maybe we should all take some time out and think about the people... who are they to us, regardless of their lifestyle. My friends are my friends for who they are to me... no one is going to change that. I love them all... gay, straight, Jewish, black, white, brown, yellow, blind, deaf, diabetic, whatever the case may be.
Whew! Can someone bring me a step ladder... I may have made this soap box a little tall so people could see me over the other ones.
{lou}
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
Dreams of a Jealous Nature
LONG POST ALERT!!!
So for those of you that know me, you know that I LOVE LOVE LOVE kids. Babies, little kids, big kids... just little people in general. But then there are those of you that truly know me and know my details... the hard facts... the things that make me tick.... and sometimes when I really have time to think on it, make me cry, sometimes a sad cry, but sometimes a frustrated - when's my turn - cry.
So, when I was little, I had dreams of being a mommy. But unlike most girls, my dreams weren't of a baby belly, swollen ankles, and a belly button stretcher to take the baby out of my tummy. They were dreams of adoption. WHAT LITTLE GIRL DREAMS OF ADOPTION!? Well, this one. As time went on, I kind of forgot about that and just lived life... being afraid of cooties and just wanting to hang out with my friends. Then my freshman year of high school, I went with my gramma to Romania/Hungary for a mission trip. This was a Christian mission trip and while I went because I thought it would be awesome to go over seas... it opened my eyes and my heart and brought back my adoption theory. I worked long hot days in areas that didn't seem like they could be real had I not seen it with my own eyes. I saw families try and give us the shirts off their back, cook up a meal using that last vegetables and ducks they had, and a man give up his only possession of a cane so a lady in our group wouldn't have to limp. EYE OPENING!
Travel forward and back to today, I have been married and divorced twice... nothing to be ashamed of. It's made me who I am... It also helps to describe my "dreams of a jealous nature". With my first husband, I was fresh out of high school and married my high school sweetheart in 2003. That lasted 11 months before it's end. (Details spared) Then years later, in 2007, I re-married. I thought this guy was gonna be it. It didn't turn out that way and we divorced days after our 4 year anniversary. (again, details spared) Only once out of those two marriages, did I think I wanted to have a baby myself.... but it was to save a marriage because I thought that if I could make a baby, that I'd feel better... that maybe someone in the family could love me like I wanted my husband to. We did get pregnant once... only to get 12 weeks in and miscarry. For anyone who has miscarried, my heart goes out to you. It's probably one of the hardest times in life. I felt like a complete failure. Like why wasn't I good enough. And then I turned to prayer. Which showed me that at least I could get pregnant so not to worry... but that it wasn't a good time. I wasn't meant to have a baby with him. (Hindsight 20/20, this was a blessing.)
So now, I have Boedy and he has two kids, who I adore, and it makes me want a baby... not an adopted baby but one out of love. Bronx keeps talking about how I have a baby in my tummy (which I think he might get confused with the one his mom is carrying) but its sweet. So Boedy and I played along with this. We asked them if they wanted a brother or a sister. Brooke wants a sister... and Bronx wanted a brother until he realized he has 2 half brothers... and then switched to a sister. haha!
Okay, the jealous part, I have so many people around me that I love who are pregnant or just had babies... and I'm so excited and I love that they are having them, but a small part of me, is just that... JEALOUS! I don't mean in a hateful way, like, "geez, some girls have all the luck." I mean in a "I want to give that to Boedy" way. A selfless jealousy? Who knows. But at the same time, I'm scared. TERRIFIED to be honest. I mean, I take on a step-mom role with the kids now (since, in case you missed it, Boedy is the last man I plan to kiss for the rest of my life). But I want to have that piece of me and a piece of him and see what happens. He loves kids, he's patient and loving. He's one of the best dads I've ever seen in my life. But I'm deathly terrified of being a mom from start to finish. What if I screw up... or am too hard on them and they grow up to hate me, or... and the questions just flow like that until I wear myself out and break down and cry and pray that I won't ever get pregnant. THAT SCARED. And then I look at Boedy and know that part of him had those fears... and I look at my mom... and other people and know that I'm not alone and that if other people trust me with and around their kids, I must be able to do something right. I mean, I have two god-children... so obviously John and Maddi think I could be a parent... and a good one because I think they are great parents. So again, I'm so excited for all my friends but just know that it doesn't help my baby fever and the closer I get to 30 the more jealous I get. I will probably wanna touch your bellies and I will probably cry when you can't see me. I know that if I am meant to be a birth mommy - it will happen. God doesn't give you dreams and alter old dreams to new ones if He doesn't plan to deliver! So here goes... God it's all in your hands. Give me the strength to know that I can do it and that You are trusting me to raise a child for your glory. AMEN!
That might be enough from me today.
Food for thought - What's your biggest fear that turned into a blessing and who needs to hear that story so they know they aren't alone?
{lou}
So for those of you that know me, you know that I LOVE LOVE LOVE kids. Babies, little kids, big kids... just little people in general. But then there are those of you that truly know me and know my details... the hard facts... the things that make me tick.... and sometimes when I really have time to think on it, make me cry, sometimes a sad cry, but sometimes a frustrated - when's my turn - cry.
So, when I was little, I had dreams of being a mommy. But unlike most girls, my dreams weren't of a baby belly, swollen ankles, and a belly button stretcher to take the baby out of my tummy. They were dreams of adoption. WHAT LITTLE GIRL DREAMS OF ADOPTION!? Well, this one. As time went on, I kind of forgot about that and just lived life... being afraid of cooties and just wanting to hang out with my friends. Then my freshman year of high school, I went with my gramma to Romania/Hungary for a mission trip. This was a Christian mission trip and while I went because I thought it would be awesome to go over seas... it opened my eyes and my heart and brought back my adoption theory. I worked long hot days in areas that didn't seem like they could be real had I not seen it with my own eyes. I saw families try and give us the shirts off their back, cook up a meal using that last vegetables and ducks they had, and a man give up his only possession of a cane so a lady in our group wouldn't have to limp. EYE OPENING!
(This is how they get around and make small livings.)
We have it so good over here. But back to my story, so while over there, we had asked to visit an orphanage. But we got denied. The places are so bad, the living conditions so horrid, that we weren't allowed to visit and help. Hearing this sparked that dream again of adoption. I wanted to take all those kids out of that place and give them love. Everyone deserves love. EVERYONE... even the people who we think are unlovable or out of our realm to love. 
(That little building next to the river on the right...
that's a 4 star hotel I stayed in while in Resita, Romania)
**It's the equivalent of a 1 star hotel here
**It's the equivalent of a 1 star hotel here
Travel forward and back to today, I have been married and divorced twice... nothing to be ashamed of. It's made me who I am... It also helps to describe my "dreams of a jealous nature". With my first husband, I was fresh out of high school and married my high school sweetheart in 2003. That lasted 11 months before it's end. (Details spared) Then years later, in 2007, I re-married. I thought this guy was gonna be it. It didn't turn out that way and we divorced days after our 4 year anniversary. (again, details spared) Only once out of those two marriages, did I think I wanted to have a baby myself.... but it was to save a marriage because I thought that if I could make a baby, that I'd feel better... that maybe someone in the family could love me like I wanted my husband to. We did get pregnant once... only to get 12 weeks in and miscarry. For anyone who has miscarried, my heart goes out to you. It's probably one of the hardest times in life. I felt like a complete failure. Like why wasn't I good enough. And then I turned to prayer. Which showed me that at least I could get pregnant so not to worry... but that it wasn't a good time. I wasn't meant to have a baby with him. (Hindsight 20/20, this was a blessing.)
So now, I have Boedy and he has two kids, who I adore, and it makes me want a baby... not an adopted baby but one out of love. Bronx keeps talking about how I have a baby in my tummy (which I think he might get confused with the one his mom is carrying) but its sweet. So Boedy and I played along with this. We asked them if they wanted a brother or a sister. Brooke wants a sister... and Bronx wanted a brother until he realized he has 2 half brothers... and then switched to a sister. haha!
Okay, the jealous part, I have so many people around me that I love who are pregnant or just had babies... and I'm so excited and I love that they are having them, but a small part of me, is just that... JEALOUS! I don't mean in a hateful way, like, "geez, some girls have all the luck." I mean in a "I want to give that to Boedy" way. A selfless jealousy? Who knows. But at the same time, I'm scared. TERRIFIED to be honest. I mean, I take on a step-mom role with the kids now (since, in case you missed it, Boedy is the last man I plan to kiss for the rest of my life). But I want to have that piece of me and a piece of him and see what happens. He loves kids, he's patient and loving. He's one of the best dads I've ever seen in my life. But I'm deathly terrified of being a mom from start to finish. What if I screw up... or am too hard on them and they grow up to hate me, or... and the questions just flow like that until I wear myself out and break down and cry and pray that I won't ever get pregnant. THAT SCARED. And then I look at Boedy and know that part of him had those fears... and I look at my mom... and other people and know that I'm not alone and that if other people trust me with and around their kids, I must be able to do something right. I mean, I have two god-children... so obviously John and Maddi think I could be a parent... and a good one because I think they are great parents. So again, I'm so excited for all my friends but just know that it doesn't help my baby fever and the closer I get to 30 the more jealous I get. I will probably wanna touch your bellies and I will probably cry when you can't see me. I know that if I am meant to be a birth mommy - it will happen. God doesn't give you dreams and alter old dreams to new ones if He doesn't plan to deliver! So here goes... God it's all in your hands. Give me the strength to know that I can do it and that You are trusting me to raise a child for your glory. AMEN!
That might be enough from me today.
Food for thought - What's your biggest fear that turned into a blessing and who needs to hear that story so they know they aren't alone?
{lou}
Friday, May 4, 2012
It's time... for another update!
Okay, okay. I know that it's been like two months since I posted anything... I'm sorry! That is wholly my fault. But in the meantime, I got a new nephew, started working out, having my awesome "Weekly Wednesdays" with the new family, etc, etc. It's been one wild ride but I can't possibly imagine life being any better. Honestly... I've never imagined my life so wonderful. Amazing blood family that's always been there for me and loved me... even if sometimes I wasn't on the path they would have liked... they loved me through it and helped me get back to where I need to be. Friends that are as loyal as they come... they would have my back even if I was completely wrong... they wouldn't let me stand there alone and look like an a$$... they'd join me. A boyfriend that continually blows my mind by not only the love he shows me, but the time he invests in me. It's amazing. He calls me on my stuff and it's awesome... and my new-ish family... they aren't officially last name tied to me yet, but one day... and we are family just because of the love we have. It's always so incredible to be wrapped in love, loyalty and trust like no other when you meet new people.
Let's talk about part of this new-ish family... I'll get into all the members, but we gotta start somewhere, and besides, I don't want everyone to get confused so we'll go one member at a time! haha!
ENTER MIKE AND CONSTANCE PERRIN
Mike and Constance are such amazing people. They have two and a quarter kids. Mike works outside the home, Constance is always working at home being a mommy, baseball for Mike, softball for Haven (where mommy and daddy coach), home-based businesses... they are always going... but still make time for the things that matter; each other, their kids, and their family outside their home. Every week, we have what we like to call "Weekly Wednesday" (WW). It's become one of my favorite days of the week. We get together for dinner and then either let the kids play outside or do something as a group... and finding something for 8 people to enjoy is a challenge but we always seem to handle it with such grace. I cherish this time with them. I love that Boedy's family is so close knit. Mike and Constance are like my real brother and sister... it's awesome... we pick on each other and laugh and joke... since my sister lives in Oklahoma and my brother in Alaska, it's nice to have them close and able to see them weekly.
You know those people that you instantly click with... well that was Constance for me... it was like I found a missing piece of me in her. We have so much in common but also just enough difference that it stretches us to learn or get interested in other things. It's great. We both have a passion for high heels and what's not to love about a girl who also has a shoe fetish!? haha! It's just so funny to us that we didn't know each other sooner... she graduated two years after my sister Jamie and knows all the same people I know... I guess it's just a sign that God wasn't ready for us to meet yet. She's crafty... I mean, SUPER crafty... she's so creative... if I could steal just an ounce of the stuff she's made or decorated... I'd be a stinkin' superhero at my own house. I don't know how she does it all... being a mommy full time is hard enough, but making things for the new baby, cleaning house, decorating, organizing, selling pampered chef, coaching softball... I'm already tired and that's not even half of the stuff she does on the reg.
Back to Weekly Wednesdays...So the other night, we were trying to come up with something fun to do for after dinner, and Constance has gotten into Geo Caching... if you haven't looked into it, you need to. It's so fun. It's like a scavenger hunt using your GPS. We went and found two geo cache spots and had a complete blast trying to figure out what the "treasure" was. The kids had a blast too. I think this might be our new hobby. I might even have to buy the app on my phone.. and yes all you haters, Blackberry's have apps too... haha! (that's for you babe)
Anyway, I just wanted to take a few minutes and break up your day and let you know that no matter what's going on, once you remove the crap and bad stuff out of your life and leave room for the good stuff, it comes. It does happen. If I hadn't gotten rid of the baggage in my life holding me back, I wouldn't have re-met Boedy, fallen in love with him, his kids and his family. Who knows what my life would be like without them. I can honestly say that this is the family that I was meant to marry into for the rest of my life. I can't see my life without them!!
So, here's something to make you think today...
What will you make time for?
{lou}
Let's talk about part of this new-ish family... I'll get into all the members, but we gotta start somewhere, and besides, I don't want everyone to get confused so we'll go one member at a time! haha!
ENTER MIKE AND CONSTANCE PERRIN
Stats: Mike - Boedy's older brother
Constance - Married to Mike
Haven - 6 yr old daughter
Grayson - 2 yr old son
Elleanor - bun in the oven (can't wait to meet your smiling face!)
Mike and Constance are such amazing people. They have two and a quarter kids. Mike works outside the home, Constance is always working at home being a mommy, baseball for Mike, softball for Haven (where mommy and daddy coach), home-based businesses... they are always going... but still make time for the things that matter; each other, their kids, and their family outside their home. Every week, we have what we like to call "Weekly Wednesday" (WW). It's become one of my favorite days of the week. We get together for dinner and then either let the kids play outside or do something as a group... and finding something for 8 people to enjoy is a challenge but we always seem to handle it with such grace. I cherish this time with them. I love that Boedy's family is so close knit. Mike and Constance are like my real brother and sister... it's awesome... we pick on each other and laugh and joke... since my sister lives in Oklahoma and my brother in Alaska, it's nice to have them close and able to see them weekly.
You know those people that you instantly click with... well that was Constance for me... it was like I found a missing piece of me in her. We have so much in common but also just enough difference that it stretches us to learn or get interested in other things. It's great. We both have a passion for high heels and what's not to love about a girl who also has a shoe fetish!? haha! It's just so funny to us that we didn't know each other sooner... she graduated two years after my sister Jamie and knows all the same people I know... I guess it's just a sign that God wasn't ready for us to meet yet. She's crafty... I mean, SUPER crafty... she's so creative... if I could steal just an ounce of the stuff she's made or decorated... I'd be a stinkin' superhero at my own house. I don't know how she does it all... being a mommy full time is hard enough, but making things for the new baby, cleaning house, decorating, organizing, selling pampered chef, coaching softball... I'm already tired and that's not even half of the stuff she does on the reg.
Back to Weekly Wednesdays...So the other night, we were trying to come up with something fun to do for after dinner, and Constance has gotten into Geo Caching... if you haven't looked into it, you need to. It's so fun. It's like a scavenger hunt using your GPS. We went and found two geo cache spots and had a complete blast trying to figure out what the "treasure" was. The kids had a blast too. I think this might be our new hobby. I might even have to buy the app on my phone.. and yes all you haters, Blackberry's have apps too... haha! (that's for you babe)
Anyway, I just wanted to take a few minutes and break up your day and let you know that no matter what's going on, once you remove the crap and bad stuff out of your life and leave room for the good stuff, it comes. It does happen. If I hadn't gotten rid of the baggage in my life holding me back, I wouldn't have re-met Boedy, fallen in love with him, his kids and his family. Who knows what my life would be like without them. I can honestly say that this is the family that I was meant to marry into for the rest of my life. I can't see my life without them!!
So, here's something to make you think today...
What will you make time for?
{lou}
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